Written By James Hamel
Now, before you start writing letters about us stereotyping ourselves in the LBGT community as always being more color, style and fashion conscious understand that this is not why we feel qualified to offer up these admonishments to people looking to buy a new car soon. No, we don’t claim that being gay gives us an insight into the inner working of Donatella Versace’s brain (we rely on science and Morticians for that), we just know that when face with an affront to our ocular glands (your eyes, people) new are just more likely to point out the problem than lie and say pink is the perfect color for a Porsche 911.
And make no mistake, in this age of automotive personalization there are more opportunities than ever for people to order their next new car with all sorts of hideous color choices for not just the exterior but the interior, the wheels, side mirror caps and the list goes on. So here is a list of some hard and fast rules for the color conscious to stick to. There, we just used “hard’ and “fast” twice and now we are sure fellow Gaywheels scribe Sam Gomez would have had ten jokes for that all ready to go. But that’s the thing, we at Gaywheels are all different and Sam just happens to have the funniest comments. Now check out this list and know it may sound a bit rude and bitchy only because its author is that way.
Not everyone in the LBGT community is like that, but we guess you could just say (as would Mother Monster Lady GaGa) that he was “Born This Way.”
There is Only One Car You Can Buy in Any Color be it Orange, Yellow, Purple, Fuchsia, Black, Red or Lime Green and its Name is Dodge Challenger: Even before Dodge introduced the 700 horsepower plus 2015 Dodge Challenger Hellcat this muscle car two door was always a true, All-American bad ass. Now being that we are convinced this car could kick most any other car’s ass in a bitch slap fight, this car has earned the right to wear whatever exterior color that it wants. Period, end of story. And remember, this is the only car that is allowed to do so. We don’t care how much money you have either because time has proven again and again that it certainly does not buy taste. Talking to you Kim Kardashian.
Buying a car in Gold, Silver or White with a Light Beige Interior Makes You Look like You are Drowning in a Sea of Tapioca Pudding: Now we all know that silver and white cars look clean a whole lot longer than car with other exterior colors and there is nothing wrong with picking those shades (we do question anyone under 80 who buys a gold car, however). We do take issue, however, when new car buyers insist on getting the lightest beige leather seats, carpets and dashboard to color the interior of the car (and this effect is amplified to horrifying effect in gold cars). Simply put, you are driving the automotive equivalent of visual tapioca pudding. And no one thinks tapioca pudding is sexy.
Only Buy a Black on Black BMW, Audi or Mercedes-Benz if you have in fact been tested for and have a Type-A personality, workin Finance/Stock Markets and have never let anyone into your lane if they signaled ahead of you: In other words, why do all Type-A personality financiers in South Orange County drive the same cars in the same colors and buy them over and over and over again with black exteriors and interiors? This is a job for science that could lead to the discovery of the obnoxious yuppie gene.
For the rest of our rules for picking your next car’s color, click below!
Ten Hard and Fast Rules for Picking the Color Combination for your next New Car | Gaywheels.