They’re Creepy and They’re Kooky and Their Drivers Are Often Spooky
When you think of the word “creepy” what comes to mind? No doubt visions of Halloween hob-goblins, horror movie slashers and the inimitable Vincent Price are all excellent example of primo grade-A spookiness. But are there any spooky cars out there? And more importantly, are there any cars that are driven seemingly only by individuals displaying more than their fair share of spooky flair?
You know the people and the vehicles I am talking about. Take for example that worrisome 1970’s Chevy Van with no windows that you and your friends used to refer to as “the child molester van” every time it slowly passed by your middle school. There are just some cars, trucks and vans that are associated with a certain element that, while most of the time isn’t criminal, is often times very “spooky.”
VW Microbus—Give a Microbus double “spooky” points if it has color matching drapes for all the windows. Always giving off either the scent of patchouli, body odor or something often found at a Grateful Dead concert—the VW Microbus is usually driven by hippies, homeless people or your least favorite science teacher.
VW Beetle—The fact that Adolf Hitler was one of the first people to drive this car when it was first designed back in the late 1930’s gives the Beetle all the “creep” factor it will ever need.
Chevy Luv-Truck—This 1970’s “compact” chevy pickup was GM’s attempt to fight Japanese truck imports from Toyota and Mitsubishi. The fact that it spells love as “l-u-v” cements its status as a tried and true creep mobile for fans of the Polyester Decade.
Pontiac Aztek—Looking like something that rose from the depths of “The Black Lagoon,” this minivan-cum-crossover-cum-SUV is one of the ugliest cars ever designed. And you just have to be creeped out by anyone who ever bought one. Extra creep points given to any person who bought the optional “tent attachment” that attaches to the rear tailgate? Who needs something like that besides The Unabomber?
The Batmobile—Be it Adam West’s 1960’s double-bubble tail finned version or the more recent version found in the Tim Burton films, The Batmobile is nothing if not a testament to all things phallic and a subtle commentary on Batman and Robin’s relationship.
The PopeMobile—Imagine a Mercedes ML SUV or a BMW X5 and then tack on a giant bullet/bomb proof bubble and you have the favored ride of his holiness. The Pope first started riding around in “The PopeMobile” after the late Pope John Paul was almost assassinated. The creepiness factor comes in when you consider the fact that this man can only be amongst the vast public when ensconced in a giant bomb/bulletproof bubble.
Bugatti Veyron—This car isn’t creepy because of its otherworldly performance or its outrageous multi-million dollar price tag. It’s the grille on the front. Many have conjectured that it looks like either the mouth of a voracious monster or the private parts of a female Gorilla. Either way, it’s kind of creepy.
Studebaker Avanti Sport Coupe—Even scarier than the fact that this coupe continued to be produced by a bespoke company even after Studebaker folded is the fact that its front end makes it look like some sort of bug eyed automotive peeping tom. Not a sexy look for a coupe.
1991 Buick Roadmaster Station Wagon—The last wagon ever built by Buick and due to its length, girth and bulbous dimensions it is also no doubt the ugliest. This wagon has only become creepy now as they all seem to be driven by fans of weekend flea markets who without fail fill them front to back with piles of borderline saleable junk. Must have fake wood panel stickers along the side that are peeling off for the full effect.
The Mystery Machine—Zoinks! How could a list of the “creepiest cars” ever be complete without mentioning the favored ride of Scooby-Doo and the rest of the gang? This van was the perfect place to figure out which “creepy” old man really was underneath that Tar monster costume. And they would have gotten away with it too if it just wasn’t for those meddling kids! Creepy to the max